Return To The Womb
Remembering the place where fear doesn't exist.
Your weekly dose of living fully
The Memory That Taught Me I Am Always Safe
It was around 2016 that I began listening deeply to the words of philosopher Alan Watts.
Alan had a way of dissolving the edges of things. Through him, I started to question my concept of reality.
I began to see that existence was not something happening to us, but something happening through us. That we are part of nature, not separate from it. That we are waves, not separate from the ocean.
Around the same time, a new question began to take root in me. It would appear while I worked. While I drove. While I drifted off to sleep.
Why are we so afraid of death?
At first it felt like a quiet, almost innocent question. But it kept returning. Again and again. I did not know then that it would become the most defining inquiry of my life. The thread that would slowly pull me deeper into everything I now do.
In the summer of 2018, guided by instinct more than logic, I found myself drawn toward a traditional plant medicine ceremony.
I was nervous about what might happen. I had never experienced ceremonial psychedelics before. And yet, something in me sensed there was wisdom hidden in the unseen.
And I wanted to listen.
The Womb
One night, in a large teepee in the Devon countryside (UK), I prepared for the ceremony. The air smelled faintly of sage and woodsmoke. The medicine, ayahuasca, was offered by an experienced shaman who had travelled from the Amazon.
Earlier, the facilitator had told us that at some point during the night, we might be invited to ask a question from the heart. The answer would come, he said, but not necessarily in words.
Sometime in the middle of the night, I felt the moment arrive.
I asked softly into the darkness:
Should we be fearful of death?
The answer came, but not in the way I expected.
The darkness shifted into a warm red orange glow. Soft. Alive. It wrapped around me like a blanket.
My body began to move on its own. I curled up instinctively. Baby like. Foetus like.
A slow, steady heartbeat filled the space. Rhythmic. Familiar. Tender.
And in that instant, I knew where I was.
I was back in my mother’s womb.
I was home.
At first, my mind tried to explain it away. Wow, what an incredible vision, I thought. A beautiful hallucination.
But then something deeper landed.
I recognised the moment.
This was not a vision. It was a memory.
This medicine had taken me back in time into a memory of being in my mother’s womb.
Cradled in perfect safety, floating in a sea of warmth and silence. The pulse I heard was both hers and mine.
The boundaries between us disappeared. I could feel life moving through me, and through something far greater than me. The universe itself seemed to breathe, and I was part of its inhale.
Tears of joy began to fall down my cheeks. I understood that my mother’s love, and the love of the universe, were not two different things. They were one. They are one, and always have been.
Inside the womb, there was no fear. No time. No thought.
The only things I could feel were warmth, safety and love.
The Message
In that sacred space, the place I had come from, I understood something without needing it explained.
There was nothing to fear in death.
Before we are born, fear does not exist. Worry does not exist. These are ideas - human constructs - we learn later, once we arrive in the world and begin to think ourselves separate from it.
The message was simple. Almost tender. As if the universe was telling me:
“There is nothing to worry about.”
I saw then that the same love that carried me into life would one day carry me out. Not as an ending, but as a return. A homecoming.
Life was no longer a straight line in my mind. It was a cycle. Birth, death, and rebirth, like the waves Alan Watts spoke about. Rising, falling, returning to the ocean. All part of one vast, living rhythm.
And within that rhythm, nothing is ever truly unsafe.
That memory has stayed with me. Not as a belief, but as a felt truth. A place I can return to whenever fear creeps in.
It taught me that love is not something we earn or deserve.
It is the ground we come from.
And it is where we return.
"Life and death are not opposed but complementary, being the two essential factors of a greater life that is made up of living and dying just as melody is produced by the sounding and silencing of individual notes". (Alan Watts)
The Sanctuary
In the years since, this womb memory has become my ‘safe space’ meditation.
Whenever I feel fearful, lost or uncertain, I close my eyes and remember the orange glow of the womb, feel that heartbeat again, the ancient rhythm beneath all things, reminding me that I am held.
I breathe myself back into it, reminding myself that I am safe. That we all are safe. That we all came from a place where fear does not exist.
And from that place, I feel connected again, to the love that sustains everything. To the pulse of the universe moving quietly through every living thing.
Because the truth is, we were loved long before we learned what love was. And that love has never left us.
No matter where we go, or what we face, that love stays with us, in every breath, every heartbeat, every quiet moment of surrender.
Try This
If you ever find yourself feeling anxious or unsettled, close your eyes, take a breath and return to your mother’s womb.
Feel free to use the description and details in this newsletter to guide your vision. Let this womb memory become yours. This meditation can bring great comfort and peace.
Remember that you came from a place of pure love, where fear does not exist.
If this newsletter landed with you, please comment, like, re-stack, or share it with a friend. Subscribe to get weekly essays, videos and tools to help you live a life of no regrets.
Live happy,
Hoppy
p.s. If you are ever considering ceremonial plant medicine know what is involved, choose experienced and ethical facilitators, and be honest with yourself about your mindset. These spaces deserve respect and preparation.
Tools & Updates
The Ultimate Meditation: A guided practice designed to help you slow down, reflect on mortality, and reconnect with a life of no regrets. Many people tell me it helps them discover greater calm, gratitude, and clarity.
Tools: For guided exercises to help you live these ideas day to day.
Community call: I’m afraid due to terrible connectivity where I am living in Nicaragua this month, our guided meditation on Wednesday Jan 14th @ 7pm UK time will be postponed to February.
Go deeper: Carl Jung Famous Last Words / How Death Denial Impacts The Environment / How Mortality Awareness Can Transform Christmas
Full website with all content: Here
What people are saying about DTLWP: Hoppy, I think you’re on to something big and really important.” (Laura)
Updates:
If you are interested in the teachings of Alan Watts, you can find many podcasts or youtube videos with his wisdom, or visit the official website.
I absolutely loved reading this John. Thank you so much for writing and sharing it with us xx